In Spite of Everything

In Spite of Everything, by Susan Gregory Thomas, is a memoir I read recently that is a reflection on the larger collective experience of Generation X. While her thoughtful honesty and humor drew me in, there was this painful familiarity I felt as her story echoed the experiences of my own life and many Gen Xers I have known.

She mentions in the book that according to U.S. census and other data, almost half of all Generation X children's families split and 40 percent were latchkey kids. She makes the point that the "benign neglect" concept that was commonly embraced by Boomer parents in how they raised Gen Xers during the '70s and '80s wasn't so benign after all, and in many cases, it was truly just neglect.

There is a lot of insight in the book on how the difficult childhoods of many Gen Xers has made us want to give our kids what we didn't have, and has made us become the kind of parents we wish we could've had, and how in spite of everything, our best intentions don't always lead us to where we thought we were going. She does a beautiful job of telling her story as part of our larger generational story: her parents divorced the same year mine did.

With extensive knowledge of classic literature, she makes references to everything from Greek mythology to Proust to illustrate her struggles, and to a large extent the struggle of the lives of many Xers as we have tried to recover from childhood wounds and to hold our relationships together in the present. Among the timeless literature she references, she points to the Bible and sees scripture as a way of finding peace among the stress, confusion, and loneliness of our lives. She mentions the technique of Lectio Divina, which she began to use when going through a dark point in her life. She points to God as a place of solace, she points to Christ as "the very definition of hard-core punk." No doubt that is the highest compliment a Gen Xer could give -- I have always felt that way, too.

An excerpt from the book that explains what has defined each generation over the last several decades:

"It is a hard truism that each generation is shaped by its war. The Greatest Generation was forged by WWII; Baby Boomers were defined by Vietnam and the civil rights and antiwar movements. Generation X's war, I would argue, was the ultimate war at home: divorce. We didn't get Purple Hearts or red badges of courage, nothing that could be culturally shared or healed. Our injuries were private, secret, solitary..."

The hope that rises from her suffering is that in spite of the fear that we all are randomly in orbit around some larger force out of our control, we may actually be deeply connected because all matter in the universe is made of the same substance. In spite of our fear that we are ultimately alone, it may be that we are far more connected to one another -- much than we ever would've imagined.  

If a writer can pull hope out of suffering, they have done their job. 

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(c) 2016 by Chloe Koffas 

Why the Holidays are Hard for Gen X (Week 24 of Fireflies at Dusk: A 52-Week Project)

There were a lot of things going on for Gen X during the holidays of their growing-up years that were difficult. That is in part because Gen X grew up during the highest divorce rate in history, which led to the most blended family situations in history. Take all the complications of that in addition to the usual problems that go on in families -- the hopes and expectations of what we feel the holidays should hold, the hurts and disappointments of what it often does hold -- and you end up with a lot to deal with.

If you are a Gen Xer who had to spend holidays with a step-family/more than one step family, you may have noticed that they didn't really want you there, or they didn't really want you there but tried to at least be cordial (or at least some/most of them did).

Or perhaps you had a step-family that seemed initially welcoming and made you think that you could really be a part of their family until some painful moment occurred when you discovered that you were, in fact, just really an outsider. You may remember trying to navigate your second, third, or fourth step-family situation. This kind of situation is hard because you still have scars from the previous situation, and by this time all your your naivety has been replaced with cynicism, yet you've got to find the energy to completely start again. This kind of situation might mean that you had more than one moment when you are left out of some group conversation at a holiday meal or you don't get the punchline to an inside joke. It was in one of those moments that you realized that you essentially spent your life as some sort of foster child and that you raised yourself.

Now you don't have to go to those holiday dinners anymore. Now you have a choice to do what you want.

This means you do not have to pretend to smile and be happy, or get in trouble for not smiling and being happy.

As you go on in life, when you find yourself sitting at yet another table where you have to swallow your anger or hold back your tears...don't eat at that table anymore. Most importantly, now that you are the adult, make a conscious decision to never treat others the way you have been treated.

If you are a Gen Xer who has created a blended family of your own, remember what it feels like to be the step child -- it would in fact be hard to forget. During the holidays, treat your step children with genuine love as much as possible. Kids can smell fakeness from a mile away, and holidays are some of the most vivid childhood memories they will have for the rest of their life.

One very Gen X person I used to know in college told me a story once that his mom's boyfriend dragged their Christmas tree outside when he was a child, poured a can of gasoline on it, and then lit it on fire. The man was angry that he didn't get to have Christmas as a kid, and apparently that is how he dealt with the anger. My friend was only a little boy at the time -- he and his brother watched through the cold panes of the window as the ornaments melted and the flames scorched the branches. Then he looked at his brother who dryly said, "Well, there goes Christmas."

When I heard this story in college, I felt sorry for my friend and his brother. As I have grown older I have also begun to feel sorry for the tree-igniting boyfriend. I have seen so much more of life and how people's suffering can cause them do hurtful things. My advice this holiday season is to take extra good care of yourself. Bring yourself to the present moment when your mind drifts to unhappy memories, and give others the most genuine love you are able to. Even if your holidays were horrible when you were growing up, even if you have every reason in the world to be hurtful to people, don't be the guy with the gasoline can.

This week, and for the rest of the holiday season, I have given myself permission to go take a moment when I need one, and to take it easy on myself. Take it easy on yourself, too.






(c) 2011 photo and writing by Chloe - all rights reserved