Saturday, August 20, 2011

Go Find Your Blue Donut (Week 11 of Fireflies at Dusk: A 52-Week Project)

After all this talk in my recent blog entries of things like farm-fresh berries and sunshine, it's now time to talk about blue donuts eaten in dark parking lots.  A certain blue donut is demanding that its story be told.  Call it a metaphor.  Or just call it a donut.

A long while back I was having this intense craving for blue food.  I had passed by the bakery of the grocery store several times on several different days trying not to give into the temptation of the donuts with blue icing.  For weeks, anytime I saw something blue, I was overcome with the need to consume blue food.  I had just decided/announced that I was going to eat way healthier, which meant donuts were not on the menu.  Once again, I was at the grocery store when the donuts were, once again, seductively calling out to me,  and I realized it was actually a psychological thing drawing me to the blue icing.  I needed to see what unknown road this was going to take me down and I gave in.

Because I had made a big announcement about my eating changes I realized I'd look like a liar unless I hid and ate my donut  in the car of the dark parking lot of the grocery store where this blue thing had forced its way into my life.  I ripped open the little paper bag it came in, and rain started spitting down from the sky.  The street lamp above started sputtering its light.  I was in a film noir and the only part that was in color was the blue donut.  

I bit into my donut.  I closed my eyes in a state of bliss.  The taste took me directly back to some birthday party in 1st grade that I hadn't thought about in years.  I had been so happy that night - I had loved my classmates and the whole class was invited - no one was left out.   I was in this really great class where everyone got along and being together having fun created such a happy energy.  In the dark parking lot thinking back on this, I realized that being at this party was as happy as I ever was in this life.   At that party, the birthday boy had a cake with blue icing on it.

I was still fully myself during this time of my life, before so much of my true self evaporated.   We all start out fully ourselves before we get told to act differently, before it matters what brand of clothes we wear, before we think we have to do all these different things to fit in, to please people.  Before people tell you that you are not good enough.

This week I decided to be intentional in thinking about how to get back to the person I was - the person I was at that party in 1st grade.  This is what I came up with:

1) I need to get back to enjoying life more fully and surrounding myself more with things that make me happy.
2) I want to reclaim the sense of humor I used to have.  Parts of it remain, but I need to get the rest of it back.  

And you...what rules are you following that you don't really believe in?

When your conscience warns you that you are not being true to yourself because you are placating the powers-that-be in your life, you need to go find your blue donut.  I am much closer to my blue donut now, to my true self, than I was on that rainy night in the parking lot, but I am not as close as I was that night at the party in the 1st grade.

Go find that thing that helps you get back to the person you really were...

...the person you really are.

(c) 2011 photo and writing by Chloe - all rights reserved


TSK said...

The metaphor for my childhood is transportation.

I close my eyes and see a red Schwinn bike. I'm riding headlong with my butt off the seat, pumping against the white pedals with the entire weight of my 7-year-old frame. I'm shouting out to my buddies flanked on either side of me. I miss the unguarded conversations...the freedom to call someone or something out, to express my thoughts exactly as they came to me without pretense or fear of reprisal.

Ironically, as we grow up, we grow more vulnerable. We worry about word choice and hide behind semantics and nuance. We anesthetize ourselves we fake dialogue and endless chit chat.

On particularly crispy Oregon mornings, after opening the garage door to head out for the day, I feel like ditching the Nissan and hopping on that neglected two-wheeler.

Anonymous said...

Oh this is such an awesome post!!! It's just what I needed to see today, as I embark on my 33rd birthday. What is my blue donut?

For me, it's more of a donut hole. My big temptation is always to dwell on the peripheries rather than remaining in the center. At my truest, I am quiet, introverted, and serious. At some point in my life, I got the message that if you're serious, you're not being friendly enough. If you don't smile all the time, no one will like you. I SO wanted to be liked, so I played by the rules that I thought I needed to....and lost my donut hole so to speak. I moved away from my center and started to live life from the outside in.

I am going back to the inside...not wanting to be a whitewashed tomb full of dead men's bones. It really resonates with me to simply "stay in my center", in alignment with the truth that my life is hidden w/ Christ in God, and that there is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear. And at my center, I am deeply rooted and grounded in love (Eph. 3) and that is all I seek to know and be. What else is the essense of our true self, other than pure love?


ChloeGXP said...

The more we stay open to the truest part of ourselves - our center, our heart - the more we stay tuned in to who we really are. Here's to recreating more moments of bliss in our lives - to randomly jumping on our bike even to just let the wind blow in our hair. Here's to living further away from fear and closer to the perfect Love that casts out all fear. Here's to being in a moment where you were totally immersed in unbounded joy and remembering it for the rest of your life.