A long while back I was having this intense craving for blue food. I had passed by the bakery of the grocery store several times on several different days trying not to give into the temptation of the donuts with blue icing. For weeks, anytime I saw something blue, I was overcome with the need to consume blue food. I had just decided/announced that I was going to eat way healthier, which meant donuts were not on the menu. Once again, I was at the grocery store when the donuts were, once again, seductively calling out to me, and I realized it was actually a psychological thing drawing me to the blue icing. I needed to see what unknown road this was going to take me down and I gave in.
Because I had made a big announcement about my eating changes I realized I'd look like a liar unless I hid and ate my donut in the car of the dark parking lot of the grocery store where this blue thing had forced its way into my life. I ripped open the little paper bag it came in, and rain started spitting down from the sky. The street lamp above started sputtering its light. I was in a film noir and the only part that was in color was the blue donut.
I bit into my donut. I closed my eyes in a state of bliss. The taste took me directly back to some birthday party in 1st grade that I hadn't thought about in years. I had been so happy that night - I had loved my classmates and the whole class was invited - no one was left out. I was in this really great class where everyone got along and being together having fun created such a happy energy. In the dark parking lot thinking back on this, I realized that being at this party was as happy as I ever was in this life. At that party, the birthday boy had a cake with blue icing on it.
I was still fully myself during this time of my life, before so much of my true self evaporated. We all start out fully ourselves before we get told to act differently, before it matters what brand of clothes we wear, before we think we have to do all these different things to fit in, to please people. Before people tell you that you are not good enough.
This week I decided to be intentional in thinking about how to get back to the person I was - the person I was at that party in 1st grade. This is what I came up with:
1) I need to get back to enjoying life more fully and surrounding myself more with things that make me happy.
2) I want to reclaim the sense of humor I used to have. Parts of it remain, but I need to get the rest of it back.
And you...what rules are you following that you don't really believe in?
When your conscience warns you that you are not being true to yourself because you are placating the powers-that-be in your life, you need to go find your blue donut. I am much closer to my blue donut now, to my true self, than I was on that rainy night in the parking lot, but I am not as close as I was that night at the party in the 1st grade.
Go find that thing that helps you get back to the person you really were...
...the person you really are.
(c) 2011 photo and writing by Chloe - all rights reserved